The Temptation of Reid
Other album releases and lyrics by Lard can be seen here.
A fork is a cold shiny tool To pierce, tear and ingest Whoever has the fork in hand Controls the meal of its choice We're told the first few punctures They're for our own good Better carved up in pieces Than blown up in the oven Agh! Agh! Agh! Forkboy Flies by night on stolen fuel To Santa Rosa, CA Opens a fake employment office "Want a job? Go get me drugs" People desperate for work Return to quite a surprise Busted for intent to sell Cops pay him a bounty Forkboy skips town Agh! Agh! Agh! We came We peed We conquered You bleed The choice:Fork Boy Or finger food Ugly joy What does it replace? Why wait when you can eat yourself alive today? Junk bondage takeover glutton Ready to bore in Unfold his rotary blades inside Pull the guts out and resell them Buys out his next target With the last one's pension funds Thousands more thrown out of work So Leona won't have to settle for a mint Forkboy Picked by the FBI To be the black pied piper After Dr. King died Watches soap operas on TV While 6 billion disappears from HUD Who are you working for What did you hope to gain Why do you hate your past So much you destroy the ones you love Forkboy!
Red alert from the Dairy Queen To Vatican from Panama City Yeah...Yeah... Calling Pope John Paul, ole buddy, ole pl Hey-lemme crash at your place for a while Yeah...Yeah... I know I've shot your priests full of holes But you forgave the guy who shot you I'm being persecuted, man Let me in, let me in Yeah...Yeah... Voodoo priestesses and interplanetary crack I shall be released, thanks to my red underwear Dignity battalions terrify and rule the streets Pictures of the Smurfs tattooed on the sides of their jeeps When the mouse that roared Bites the elephant that feeds Ringmster cracks 20,000 whips Yeah...Yeah... All I did was double-cross the CIA G.E. and Lockheed do that every day Yeah... Aw yeah... The Gringoes siezed all my pottery frogs And teddy bears dressed in cammo fatigues The Hitler poster by the Christmas tree Save me, Tipper They're blasting Bon Jovi at me At me Voodoo priestesses and interplanetary crack I shall be released, thanks to my red underwear Sex with boys and girls in my chopper high in the sky When kinder gentler bombs Explode in thousand points of light Cara de Pina-Muere! Muere! Cara de Pina-Muere! Muere! Corrupto! Asesino Asesino! The Place is surrounded I can't get away Even sent the Stealth bomber Just to prove it'll fly For Yankee teen anguish Use Pineapple Face As American as where Coca Cola got its name Yeah...Oh yeah... I promise, monsignor, you can trust me I'll even goon tour with David Crosby Yeah...Yeah... "Forgive me, kids, drugs ruined my life" I'll even tell 'em condoms make you go blind Yeah...Yeah... Bloodthirsty cries of the people outside Bloodthirsty cries of the people outside Can't show my face, can't show my face Can't show my face, or they'll tear it away Voodoo priestesses and interplanetary crack Hafta wonder if this guy really exists Who in their right mind would pose for Time Magazine Frosted thumb in mouth, slicing his birthday cake with a machete Ding dong the witch is dead More warm up in Uncle Sam's bullpen Cartoon boogeyman to keep people scared I believe every word 'cos the truth is too weird Who framed Roger Rabbit Who framed Khaddafi then blew up his kid nothing to do now but spill the beans Florida here I come Yeah...
Hair by mail Tit jobs for teens Go broke appearing rich Searching for rosebud in the fire Pop stars fingers in the fans The therapist you wish you had Crucifix or lubricant Government by fad! Mate! Spawn! and Die! Mate! Spawn! and Die! My my my my... Are those salmon upstream turning red From shear embarassment Came all this way up all them ladders Without checking a map My the farce be with you In one corner of the ring That cherished myth Falling in love magically solves Every problem you've ever had In the other corner Spooon size shredded dreams The Gods must be crazy The movie goers must be crazy Mate! Spawn! and Die! Mate! Spawn! and Die! My my my my... Wrong worm, hooked again Mounted on the wall in my own den I'll talk alone to a firefly Dial 1-900-Suk-Me-Dry You can't throw me to the lions I'm Charlton Heston! You can't throw me to the lions I'm Charlton Heston! Mate! Spawn! and Die! Mate! Spawn! and Die! My my my my... Yippe ti-yi-yi-yo Ho ho ho ho Whaat do you really want for Christmas, children? "...Mmmmm... Nice place ya got here, darlin' Sure wish the hot water worked Gotta rinse my jizz off before mornin' Or I'll itch for a week-" Rarp! Damn! that water's cold Agh! Eeee! Steven Tyler Of all people once said "If men bled Would tampons be free?" Omi'god, I gottag get goin' "Now?" I forgot to feed the cat
Sheets off Flashlight in your eyes FREEZE! Guns in your gut Strip down Body search Cough up Or stomach pump To fight the war on drugs You must give up your rights You blink, you die I hate you more than my job Drug raid at 4 a.m. Random neighborhood sweeps Copters break up house parties Zero tolerance for pot Easier to get hard stuff Costs over 3 times more To keep an addict in jail Than to treat those trying to quit But no drug war funds for clinics NO! Stop! Please! NO! Drug raid at 4 a.m.
Don't ask me why But I was walking down the streets Of Fairfax, California And I saw this flyer hangin' On a telephone pole, and it said CAN GOD FILL TEETH? For a $10 "donation" You could see silver fillings turn To gold and other "supernormal dental happenings." New caps! Filled cavities! Bring a Flashlight and a mirror and observe But wait a minute Didn't I just read About how the cops are getting parents To plant bugging devices In their kids' teeth So if they disappear they can track 'em Before they wind up on the backs of milk cartons And all that And didn't I read That these devices can go two-way And everything that I do or say Is all goin' on tape somewhere right now Planted in my cavities And they didn't even tell me no wonder every bad thing In and out of my mouth Keeps winding up on my employment record All those fillings All those crowns I'll show them Who's the boss of my big mouth Where's the pliars God dammit! Where's the pliars?!? Wilma! Where'd you put my electric drill This is all coming out now-TODAY! CHORUS Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Must be some kind of conspiracy The whole world's a God damn conspiracy Look anywhere long enough, you're gonna find a conspiracy Man, LIFE is a conspiracy! CHORUS Needlenose Up my nose -Agh!- Where did all these wires come from? How far up into my skull do they go I pull out more and more copper spagetti How'd my Weekly World News get all w wet? God damn fishsticks melted again What are they trying to do to me? No secrets in the land of the free! There no one's gonna tell me what to do It's worth eating baby food The rest of my life To be a free man Bastards Probably wouldn't understand me anyway
Here today, gone tomorrow Don't need my self remembered But what I help create and leave behind Is important to me To dent the comfortably numb With constructive satire Make my life one big prank On a society I hate all that we are when we're on a stage Is Vaudeville jester for a day As an old proverb sys "If every fool wore a crown, we should all be king" My license to make fun of everyone Comes from knowing the biggest joke of all Read a heaadline the other day Clown dies from a pie in the face Can't be on stage all the time The public image could swallow my life Living up to your own myth's no fun Drives our best talents nuts Bozo skeleton Bozo skeleton Bozo skeleton Where can I go to be me? Washington Stepford wives Think we'd be Stepford children If they could do away With the music we love the most Lyrics warp your children's minds Just a minute now, that's our job Your worst enemy's your own kids Don't talk with them, buy our lies instead Don't wanna hear Lee Atwater sing the blues Got a right to sing my way too Gagging those who tell it like it is Won't make the problems go way C'mon get the skeletons out of the closet We're all clowns in one form or another If we weren't hung up minding people's private lives We might not be so afraid of ourselves All kinds of drugs get fed into our heads Who are you to legislate what's best Never heard my music or read all the words Is it my heart they want to ban Bozo skeleton Bozo skeleton Bozo skeleton Where can I go to be me?
Sylvestre Matuschka Sylvestre Matuschka One more Buried nugget Of the dark history Of the darkest side of man Austria, 1931 Hungarian hero-World War I Businessman Family man "Idealist? Or just plain mad?" To him, life must be a smash He blew up trestles and railroad tracks So he could masturbate While watching trains wreck It's a message from God It's a message from God It's a message from God It is my duty Dynamite End of the line Screeching metal Injured cries Bombs explode Up through my spine I squeeze I pump I...spray! Six years, Vienna jail Shipped to Hungary, then in World War II Released, 'cos the army needs Experts for demolition teams Som sy that's how he died Was he in Korea? No one knows Have any trains wiped out Near a nursing home in your town? It is a message from God Those with eyes shall see Those with ears shall hear A prophecy To the enemy The world shall belong To the children I've done my duty So all you sexually totalitarian born-again And blue-nosey horney toads Remember this: No matter how many books you bn No matter how many records you burn The seeds of fertile fetishes Are planted at an early age And some where out there Some one amongst you May at this very moment LUST For derailing trains
I am your religion I am your shotgun mechanical bride nothing is done without my approval I own you I decide how long you sleep And how much rest You are ever allowed I decide what you desire I deny you time to think I am the mirror of constant humiliation That follows and shadows you Wherever you go And blocks out the light At the end of every tunnel yo try Be on time Be on schedule Always feel Like you're always late And need more scolding and punishment Do not daydream Do not dilly-dally Do not fall behind Wings are flapping right behind you You know what's coming next As I swoop down like a hungry owl And sink my talons into your back And drag you back to square one again The pain gets a little worse every time Crash Crumple Do not pass go Do not collect Your dignity and your self respect Give up It's over Now time allowed To try something you like The bills were all due yesterday You've failed You're through First we form our habits, then they form us We dress up as someone else every day Gingerbread houses Fireplace surprises What tastes the best The witches won't let you have These days, having a baby Is like what having a BMW used to be While they're asleep Play those New Age cssettes To transmit subliminal messages I like Mom I like school I like to study I like rules I am the school teacher Who yelled at you for not paying attention And shame you in front of the entire class And dragged you around the room by the hair This is what happens to boys and girls Whose penmanship is messy Be neat, like the others Follow orders Obey what is put in front of you Imagination is the ultimate sin You can't be creative the rest of your life Your counselor wants a word with you If you liked school, you'll love work Resign yourself to a job you'll hate Get a hobby-but keep it in the garage Shove yourself into a slot Despise your ides Despise your ideas Your boss knows best We can't all do what we want to do Always settle for what you're told to expect Do not take chances You might fail You might fail You don't want to find out the hard way How our society treats The misfits who make mistakes Bad Failure Bad Failure Homeless Depression Mental hospitals Murder Born on the cutting room floor Die in the bin by the door Hypothermia of the spirit Why do people chase So many useless toys In search of the perfect baby sitter "For just $19.95 and just thirteen minutes of your busy day, You can have the full, rich experience of of parenthood Without the mess of the real thing. It's called `Video Baby.' Creative Programming, Inc., offer all of the enjoyment- And none of the commitment." I am your calendar There is no escape I am why you're afraid To respect yourself I led you down garden path after path With carrots on a stick I'll let you taste but never embrace Peek in the wrong door, I slam it on your fingers Go back Adventure is not allowed Go back-not allowed! I leave you exhausted, henpecked and afraid Never quite enough money Never enough nerve To reach out for something better Than the grind you call your life The hatch of your hamster cage is open But guess who waits just outside the door Stay on your treadmill Keep running on that wire wheel Briefcase in hand Money rains down just out of reach You'll burn out soon enough It's all part of the plan When you're no longer useful You can finally retire To the glue factory of your choice Free at last To scratch your head Wondering what happened Free at last I bid you goodbye On your own To wait to die
Page Last Edited on 2004-10-31 21:53:51 UTC CST (39840)