The Temptation of Reid

Other album releases and lyrics by Lard can be seen here.

  1. Forkboy
  2. Pineapple Face
  3. Matt Spawn and Die
  4. Drug Raid At 4am
  5. Can God Fill Teeth
  6. Bozo Skeleton

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Forkboy

     A fork is a cold shiny tool
     To pierce, tear and ingest
     Whoever has the fork in hand
     Controls the meal of its choice
     We're told the first few punctures
     They're for our own good
     Better carved up in pieces
     Than blown up in the oven

     Agh! Agh! Agh!

     Forkboy
     Flies by night on stolen fuel
     To Santa Rosa, CA
     Opens a fake employment office
     "Want a job? Go get me drugs"
     People desperate for work
     Return to quite a surprise
     Busted for intent to sell
     Cops pay him a bounty
     Forkboy skips town

     Agh! Agh! Agh!

     We came
     We peed
     We conquered
     You bleed
     The choice:Fork Boy Or finger food
     Ugly joy
     What does it replace?
     Why wait when you can eat yourself alive today?
     Junk bondage takeover glutton
     Ready to bore in
     Unfold his rotary blades inside
     Pull the guts out and resell them
     Buys out his next target
     With the last one's pension funds
     Thousands more thrown out of work
     So Leona won't have to settle for a mint
     Forkboy Picked by the FBI
     To be the black pied piper
     After Dr. King died
     Watches soap operas on TV
     While 6 billion disappears from HUD
     Who are you working for
     What did you hope to gain
     Why do you hate your past
     So much you destroy the ones you love

     Forkboy!


Pineapple Face

     Red alert from the Dairy Queen
     To Vatican from Panama City
     Yeah...Yeah...

     Calling Pope John Paul, ole buddy, ole pl
     Hey-lemme crash at your place for a while
     Yeah...Yeah...

     I know I've shot your priests full of holes
     But you forgave the guy who shot you

     I'm being persecuted, man
     Let me in, let me in
     Yeah...Yeah...

     Voodoo priestesses and interplanetary crack
     I shall be released, thanks to my red underwear
     Dignity battalions terrify and rule the streets
     Pictures of the Smurfs tattooed on the sides of their jeeps

     When the mouse that roared
     Bites the elephant that feeds
     Ringmster cracks
     20,000 whips
     Yeah...Yeah...

     All I did was double-cross the CIA
     G.E. and Lockheed do that every day
     Yeah... Aw yeah...

     The Gringoes siezed all my pottery frogs
     And teddy bears dressed in cammo fatigues
     The Hitler poster by the Christmas tree
     Save me, Tipper
     They're blasting Bon Jovi at me
     At me

     Voodoo priestesses and interplanetary crack
     I shall be released, thanks to my red underwear
     Sex with boys and girls in my chopper high in the sky
     When kinder gentler bombs
     Explode in thousand points of light

     Cara de Pina-Muere! Muere!
     Cara de Pina-Muere! Muere!
     Corrupto! Asesino
     Asesino!

     The Place is surrounded
     I can't get away
     Even sent the Stealth bomber
     Just to prove it'll fly
     For Yankee teen anguish
     Use Pineapple Face
     As American as where Coca Cola got its name
     Yeah...Oh yeah...

     I promise, monsignor, you can trust me
     I'll even goon tour with David Crosby
     Yeah...Yeah...
     "Forgive me, kids, drugs ruined my life"
     I'll even tell 'em condoms make you go blind
     Yeah...Yeah...

     Bloodthirsty cries of the people outside
     Bloodthirsty cries of the people outside
     Can't show my face, can't show my face
     Can't show my face, or they'll tear it away

     Voodoo priestesses and interplanetary crack
     Hafta wonder if this guy really exists
     Who in their right mind would pose for Time Magazine
     Frosted thumb in mouth, slicing his birthday cake with a machete

     Ding dong the witch is dead
     More warm up in Uncle Sam's bullpen
     Cartoon boogeyman to keep people scared
     I believe every word 'cos the truth is too weird
     Who framed Roger Rabbit
     Who framed Khaddafi then blew up his kid

     nothing to do now but spill the beans
     Florida here I come
     Yeah...


Mate Spawn and Die

     Hair by mail
     Tit jobs for teens
     Go broke appearing rich
     Searching for rosebud in the fire

     Pop stars fingers in the fans
     The therapist you wish you had
     Crucifix or lubricant
     Government by fad!

     Mate! Spawn! and Die!
     Mate! Spawn! and Die!
     My my my my...

     Are those salmon upstream turning red
     From shear embarassment
     Came all this way up all them ladders
     Without checking a map

     My the farce be with you

     In one corner of the ring
     That cherished myth
     Falling in love magically solves
     Every problem you've ever had

     In the other corner
     Spooon size shredded dreams
     The Gods must be crazy
     The movie goers must be crazy

     Mate! Spawn! and Die!
     Mate! Spawn! and Die!
     My my my my...

     Wrong worm, hooked again
     Mounted on the wall in my own den
     I'll talk alone to a firefly
     Dial 1-900-Suk-Me-Dry

     You can't throw me to the lions
     I'm Charlton Heston!
     You can't throw me to the lions
     I'm Charlton Heston!

     Mate! Spawn! and Die!
     Mate! Spawn! and Die!
     My my my my...

     Yippe ti-yi-yi-yo
     Ho ho ho ho
     Whaat do you really want for Christmas, children?

     "...Mmmmm...
     Nice place ya got here, darlin'
     Sure wish the hot water worked
     Gotta rinse my jizz off before mornin'
     Or I'll itch for a week-"

     Rarp!
     Damn! that water's cold
     Agh!
     Eeee!

     Steven Tyler
     Of all people once said
     "If men bled
     Would tampons be free?"

     Omi'god, I gottag get goin'
     "Now?"
     I forgot to feed the cat


Drug Raid at 4am


     Sheets off
     Flashlight in your eyes
     FREEZE!
     Guns in your gut

     Strip down
     Body search
     Cough up
     Or stomach pump

     To fight the war on drugs
     You must give up your rights
     You blink, you die
     I hate you more than my job

     Drug raid at 4 a.m.

     Random neighborhood sweeps
     Copters break up house parties
     Zero tolerance for pot
     Easier to get hard stuff

     Costs over 3 times more
     To keep an addict in jail
     Than to treat those trying to quit
     But no drug war funds for clinics

     NO!
     Stop!
     Please!
     NO!

     Drug raid at 4 a.m.


Can God Fill Teeth?

     Don't ask me why
     But I was walking down the streets
     Of Fairfax, California
     And I saw this flyer hangin'
     On a telephone pole, and it said
     CAN GOD FILL TEETH?

     For a $10 "donation"
     You could see silver fillings turn
     To gold and other "supernormal dental happenings."
     New caps! Filled cavities! Bring a
     Flashlight and a mirror and observe

     But wait a minute
     Didn't I just read
     About how the cops are getting parents
     To plant bugging devices
     In their kids' teeth
     So if they disappear they can track 'em
     Before they wind up on the backs of milk cartons
     And all that

     And didn't I read
     That these devices can go two-way
     And everything that I do or say
     Is all goin' on tape somewhere right now
     Planted in my cavities
     And they didn't even tell me
     no wonder every bad thing
     In and out of my mouth
     Keeps winding up on my employment record

     All those fillings
     All those crowns
     I'll show them
     Who's the boss of my big mouth

     Where's the pliars
     God dammit! Where's the pliars?!?
     Wilma! Where'd you put my electric drill
     This is all coming out now-TODAY!

     CHORUS
     Agh! Agh! Agh!
     Agh! Agh! Agh!
     Agh! Agh! Agh!

     Must be some kind of conspiracy
     The whole world's a God damn conspiracy
     Look anywhere long enough, you're gonna find a conspiracy
     Man, LIFE is a conspiracy!

     CHORUS

     Needlenose
     Up my nose
     -Agh!-
     Where did all these wires come from?
     How far up into my skull do they go
     I pull out more and more copper spagetti

     How'd my Weekly World News get all w wet?
     God damn fishsticks melted again
     What are they trying to do to me?
     No secrets in the land of the free!

     There
     no one's gonna tell me what to do
     It's worth eating baby food
     The rest of my life
     To be a free man
     Bastards
     Probably wouldn't understand me anyway


Bozo Skeleton

     Here today, gone tomorrow
     Don't need my self remembered
     But what I help create and leave behind
     Is important to me

     To dent the comfortably numb
     With constructive satire
     Make my life one big prank
     On a society I hate

     all that we are when we're on a stage
     Is Vaudeville jester for a day
     As an old proverb sys
     "If every fool wore a crown, we should all be king"

     My license to make fun of everyone
     Comes from knowing the biggest joke of all
     Read a heaadline the other day
     Clown dies from a pie in the face

     Can't be on stage all the time
     The public image could swallow my life
     Living up to your own myth's no fun
     Drives our best talents nuts

     Bozo skeleton
     Bozo skeleton
     Bozo skeleton
     Where can I go to be me?

     Washington Stepford wives
     Think we'd be Stepford children
     If they could do away
     With the music we love the most

     Lyrics warp your children's minds
     Just a minute now, that's our job
     Your worst enemy's your own kids
     Don't talk with them, buy our lies instead

     Don't wanna hear Lee Atwater sing the blues
     Got a right to sing my way too
     Gagging those who tell it like it is
     Won't make the problems go way

     C'mon get the skeletons out of the closet
     We're all clowns in one form or another
     If we weren't hung up minding people's private lives
     We might not be so afraid of ourselves
     All kinds of drugs get fed into our heads
     Who are you to legislate what's best
     Never heard my music or read all the words
     Is it my heart they want to ban

     Bozo skeleton
     Bozo skeleton
     Bozo skeleton
     Where can I go to be me?


Sylvestre Matuschka


     Sylvestre Matuschka
     Sylvestre Matuschka

     One more
     Buried nugget
     Of the dark history
     Of the darkest side of man

     Austria, 1931
     Hungarian hero-World War I
     Businessman
     Family man
     "Idealist? Or just plain mad?"

     To him, life must be a smash
     He blew up trestles and railroad tracks
     So he could masturbate
     While watching trains wreck

     It's a message from God
     It's a message from God
     It's a message from God
     It is my duty

     Dynamite
     End of the line
     Screeching metal
     Injured cries
     Bombs explode
     Up through my spine
     I squeeze
     I pump
     I...spray!

     Six years, Vienna jail
     Shipped to Hungary, then in World War II
     Released, 'cos the army needs
     Experts for demolition teams

     Som sy that's how he died
     Was he in Korea? No one knows
     Have any trains wiped out
     Near a nursing home in your town?

     It is a message from God

     Those with eyes shall see
     Those with ears shall hear
     A prophecy
     To the enemy
     The world shall belong
     To the children
     I've done my duty

     So all you sexually totalitarian born-again
     And blue-nosey horney toads
     Remember this:
     No matter how many books you bn
     No matter how many records you burn
     The seeds of fertile fetishes
     Are planted at an early age

     And some where out there
     Some one amongst you
     May at this very moment LUST
     For derailing trains


I Am Your Clock

     I am your religion
     I am your shotgun mechanical bride
     nothing is done without my approval

     I own you
     I decide how long you sleep
     And how much rest
     You are ever allowed

     I decide what you desire
     I deny you time to think
     I am the mirror of constant humiliation
     That follows and shadows you
     Wherever you go
     And blocks out the light
     At the end of every tunnel yo try
     Be on time
     Be on schedule
     Always feel
     Like you're always late
     And need more scolding and punishment

     Do not daydream
     Do not dilly-dally
     Do not fall behind
     Wings are flapping right behind you
     You know what's coming next
     As I swoop down like a hungry owl
     And sink my talons into your back
     And drag you back to square one again
     The pain gets a little worse every time
     Crash
     Crumple
     Do not pass go
     Do not collect
     Your dignity and your self respect

     Give up
     It's over
     Now time allowed
     To try something you like

     The bills were all due yesterday
     You've failed
     You're through
     First we form our habits, then they form us

     We dress up as someone else every day
     Gingerbread houses
     Fireplace surprises
     What tastes the best
     The witches won't let you have

     These days, having a baby
     Is like what having a BMW used to be
     While they're asleep
     Play those New Age cssettes
     To transmit subliminal messages
     I like Mom
     I like school
     I like to study
     I like rules

     I am the school teacher
     Who yelled at you for not paying attention
     And shame you in front of the entire class
     And dragged you around the room by the hair
     This is what happens to boys and girls
     Whose penmanship is messy
     Be neat, like the others
     Follow orders
     Obey what is put in front of you
     Imagination is the ultimate sin
     You can't be creative the rest of your life
     Your counselor wants a word with you
     If you liked school, you'll love work
     Resign yourself to a job you'll hate
     Get a hobby-but keep it in the garage

     Shove yourself into a slot
     Despise your ides
     Despise your ideas
     Your boss knows best
     We can't all do what we want to do
     Always settle for what you're told to expect
     Do not take chances
     You might fail
     You might fail
     You don't want to find out the hard way
     How our society treats
     The misfits who make mistakes

     Bad
     Failure
     Bad
     Failure
     Homeless
     Depression
     Mental hospitals
     Murder

     Born on the cutting room floor
     Die in the bin by the door
     Hypothermia of the spirit
     Why do people chase
     So many useless toys
     In search of the perfect baby sitter

     "For just $19.95 and just thirteen minutes of your busy day,
     You can have the full, rich experience of of parenthood
     Without the mess of the real thing. It's called `Video Baby.'
     Creative Programming, Inc., offer all of the enjoyment-
     And none of the commitment."

     I am your calendar
     There is no escape
     I am why you're afraid
     To respect yourself
     I led you down garden path after path
     With carrots on a stick
     I'll let you taste but never embrace
     Peek in the wrong door, I slam it on your fingers
     Go back
     Adventure is not allowed
     Go back-not allowed!
     I leave you exhausted, henpecked and afraid
     Never quite enough money
     Never enough nerve
     To reach out for something better
     Than the grind you call your life

     The hatch of your hamster cage is open
     But guess who waits just outside the door
     Stay on your treadmill
     Keep running on that wire wheel
     Briefcase in hand
     Money rains down just out of reach
     You'll burn out soon enough
     It's all part of the plan
     When you're no longer useful
     You can finally retire
     To the glue factory of your choice
     Free at last
     To scratch your head
     Wondering what happened
     Free at last
     I bid you goodbye
     On your own
     To wait to die

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Page Last Edited on 2004-10-31 21:53:51 UTC CST (38387)